Recently I saw a video from a German on the honne and tatemae (as the Japanese would say) of various cultures. Americans were characterized by presenting a super friendly facade/face (tatemae) while not meaning a word of it (honne/ real intention).

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That surprised me because the stereotype I have of Americans is of being so openly honest that they seem blunt and rude in contrast to the Japanese stereotype of being so mannerly and polite on the surface that they never express their true intentions or feelings.

I do agree that many Americans demand a fake familiarity (calling people they don’t know, even their bosses or elders by their first name). And there is a tendency toward what my German buddies on G+ used to call “cupcake fascism”, more recently recognized as “toxic positivity.”–the social pressure to pretend, “It’s all good.” or to dismiss another’s distress by telling them they should be thankful that they aren’t as bad off as the next guy. “First world problems.”

How is the way Japanese people are socialized to behave with aisou (愛想 あいそう) different than toxic positivity. Or is it? A lot of people chafe under the pressure. Maybe it’s a matter of numbers. If everyone is doing it, it feels more natural to do it, too. When I’m in Japan, I do it. But when I was in high school in America, I’d ditch pep rallies. No amount of crowd participation could ever persuade me to want to cheer and shout or care about football.

In the video below, the excellent Kaname-sensei explains aisou and says that the idea is to do the practice and the heart will follow. I think this is true of many practices and disciplines. You can’t sit around waiting to be motivated. You have to do the thing and the motivation will come.

I think the big difference between Japanese tatemae and American fake friendliness is that the Japanese come off as polite and reserved. They will acknowledge you with a nod of the head or a slight smile and then everyone maintains space and privacy. Manners are friendly but formal

Americans greet you with aggressive familiarity. Being overly familiar does not feel friendly to me. I hear that in the good old days, people had to be wait to be introduced. To address a woman by her first name, you had to ask permission. That’s more my style.