The only good thing about Spider-Man 3 was that it brought AJM and me closer together. He didn’t like the first two movies, whereas I liked Spider-Man 1 and loved Spider-Man 2. But we both hated Spider-Man 3. During the movie, AJM was sunk as low in his seat as he could get and I kept squirming uncomfortably and looking at his watch. In the midst of the end battle, a reporter screams into her mike, “I don’t know how much more he can take.” We both laughed out loud. That’s exactly how we felt.

AJM said that he’s scraped more interesting things off the bottom of his shoe. That’s the problem. Spider-Man 3 is b-o-r-i-n-g. And it goes on an on, making you feel like you’re watching a week’s worth of bad soap opera episodes in one sitting.

The charm of Spidey has always been mixing up the superhero bits with the idea that when not playing superhero, Peter Parker has to face the tough things about real life, the ordinary problems we all face, problems with his girl and his job and feeling nerdy and unpopular. Spider-Man 3 frequently turns away from the action to turn on the emotional floodgates. I have a pretty high level of tolerance for this kind of sappy stuff but Spider-Man 3 makes Smallville look like a David Mamet play. The scene where MJ and Harry cook an omelet and end up doing the twist. Come on! It just went on forever.

Watching the action sequences, on those occasions when there is some action, is like watching someone else play a video game. Stuff happens on the screen and you are completely uninvolved. There are too many villians and you don’t care about any of them. The movie sets them up just to knock them down. Do you want eye-candy? Watch Pan’s Labyrinth. Action sequences are compelling only when the consequences matter. See Children of Men. For that matter, see Spider-Man 2.

Some people have argued, “Oh, well. It’s fun for the kids.” Please, do not insult your children. Do not turn them into morons.

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AJM thought The New Yorker Review was too kind.