by M Sinclair Stevens. August 01, 2006.
If I were a corporation, August 1 would be the beginning of my fiscal year. Five times on this date I've embarked on new lives, not just changing course, but taking a different ship.
In 1975, I followed my family back to Las Vegas when my Dad retired from the Air Force. I tried to return to the life I'd known before we moved to Texas and couldn't. Then I tried to return to the life I'd sampled in Texas and couldn't.
In 1989, my 10-year-old and I packed our lives into a suitcase each and moved to Japan.
In 1991, I returned to Austin without a job or any prospects.
In 1993, after a couple of years of freelance writing, I retreated to life as an employee and the reassurance of a monthly paycheck and health insurance. I gave that little startup my life. In return, although only incidentally, I got a house and a husband.
In 2001, I was laid off. I sought work for a long time and struggled with the idea of being a dependent and a housewife. I'm still not any good in either role.
This year no major change is on the horizon. However, I indulged myself with the present of a new, expensive journal. I hesitate to write the lines of my life in a new blank book. Once my actions are set in ink, I'm bound to one course. I've never been able to stride confidently down the straight, true path of life. I can't see my way clearly. If I start down one path, what guarantee have I that it is the correct one. So I prevaricate, wander astray on any tangent that comes into view to avoid stepping forward. I find wandering in circles, going nowhere, preferable to facing my fear of heading down the wrong path.
Recently I've recognized that my inability to commit has its roots in my rootless unbringing. Moving around every couple of years as a brat meant I was always trying on new lives. When all lives seem possible, I find it impossible to choose among them. I've always wanted to live both lives and sometimes I have.
Comments
I only say this because I know you care about details. Did you really mean prevaricate? Prevaricate \prih-VAIR-uh-kayt\, intransitive verb:
To depart from or evade the truth; to speak with equivocation. (from Dictionary.com)
Perhaps you meant equivocate?
* My dictionary says "to speak or act in an evasive way"; originally "to go astray, transgress" from the Latin "to walk crookedly, to deviate". My thesaurus equates it with "to be evasive, beat around the bush, hedge, fence, shilly-shally, dodge (the issue), sidestep (the issue), equivocate, waffle" which is what I meant.
Perhaps I'm stretching the meaning a bit by playing on the meaning of "true" as "the straight and narrow". It is not that I lie but that I sometimes face difficult decisions with evasive maneuvers.
My dictionary says that equivocate means to say one thing and mean another; to mislead through ambiguity. I do that, too, but that's a different post.
Thanks for noticing. I like people who pay attention to words. -- M
Interesting post. What prompts me to comment is your mention of Austin. I moved there in 1994 without a job or home. I was there 10 years until my husband got an offer in CA. I miss Austin a lot, but I doubt we'll move back. I am also commenting because I have had multiple interests throughout my life and have difficulty committing too. Just connecting with a kindred spirit. :)
* I meant to say earlier that I really like the name of your blog, "A Mindful Life". Mindful--that's a quality I admire. --M